Identifying Unhealed Betrayal:
What Coaches Need to Know When Change Becomes a Crisis

As coaches, practitioners, HR executives, therapists, counselors and healers, we know that clients often seek our support during transitions—new jobs, relocations, career pivots, or relationship changes. But have you noticed that some clients struggle disproportionately with change? While we might attribute this to “resistance” or “fear of the unknown,” there’s often a deeper issue at play: unhealed betrayal.

When betrayal remains unprocessed, it doesn’t just affect trust in relationships—it fundamentally alters how your clients experience and navigate change. Here’s what to look for and why your usual change-management strategies might not be working.

The Hidden Pattern: Why Change Triggers Betrayal Wounds

Betrayal creates a rupture in a person’s sense of safety and predictability. When someone has experienced betrayal—whether through infidelity, workplace deception, family dynamics, or broken trust—their nervous system remains on high alert. Change, even positive change, activates the same threat response because it represents uncertainty and loss of control.

What makes this tricky: Your client may not consciously connect their current struggle with past betrayal. They might present as simply “bad with change” or “overthinking everything.”

7 Red Flags That Signal Unhealed Betrayal

1. Disproportionate Anxiety About Normal Transitions

Yes, everyone feels some anxiety during change. But clients with unhealed betrayal experience paralyzing fear that seems excessive for the situation.

What to listen for:

• “I can’t shake this feeling that something terrible is going to happen”
• “I know I’m overreacting, but I can’t help it”
• Physical symptoms: insomnia, digestive issues, excessive anxiety triggered by routine changes

Why it happens: Their threat-detection system is hypersensitive. Past betrayal taught them that things can go catastrophically wrong when they least expect it.

2. Inability to Accept or Process Emotions

Your coaching tools emphasize emotional acceptance, but clients with unhealed betrayal often get stuck in emotional suppression or flooding.

What to watch for:

• They intellectualize everything, avoiding feelings entirely
• OR they become overwhelmed by emotions that seem disconnected from the current situation
• Statements like “I don’t know why I’m so upset about this” or “I shouldn’t feel this way”

Why standard acceptance exercises don’t work: Betrayal creates shame around having certain emotions. These clients learned that their feelings were either “wrong,” ignored, or weaponized against them.

3. Excessive Focus on “Silver Linings” That Feels Forced

Positive reframing is valuable, but clients with unhealed betrayal often engage in toxic positivity as a survival mechanism.

Red flags to notice:

• They dismiss legitimate concerns with forced optimism
• They can’t sit with any negative feelings without immediately jumping to “but it’s fine”
• Their positive outlook collapses suddenly, revealing deep pessimism underneath

The underlying issue: They’re terrified of being vulnerable or appearing “negative” because past betrayal taught them that expressing needs or concerns leads to abandonment or attack.

4. Gratitude Practices That Increase Anxiety

Gratitude is powerful, but for those who’ve experienced betrayal, focusing on what they’re “leaving behind” can trigger loss and grief they’ve been avoiding.

What you might observe:

• They resist gratitude exercises entirely
• They become tearful or shut down when asked to reflect on the past
• They can’t identify anything positive from previous chapters of life

What’s really happening: Acknowledging good memories from a period that included betrayal creates cognitive dissonance. “How could I have been happy when I was being deceived?”

5. “Growth Mindset” Language Without Behavioral Follow-Through

These clients intellectually understand growth concepts and use all the right language, but they remain stuck in the same patterns.

Signs to recognize:

• They talk about “leveling up” but avoid taking actual risks
• They engage enthusiastically in sessions but make no changes between meetings
• They set goals but consistently self-sabotage

The betrayal connection: Unhealed betrayal creates symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome®, where clients experience persistent fatigue, brain fog, and overwhelm to name a few. They literally don’t have the physical or mental energy to implement what they’re learning. The tools aren’t wrong—their system is still in survival mode.

6. Perpetual Patience That Becomes Paralysis

“Be patient with yourself” is sound advice, but clients with unhealed betrayal often use patience as permission to avoid healing.

What this looks like:

• Years go by with minimal progress (staying in Stage 3 out of the 5 Stages of betrayal recovery)
• They’re “patient” with themselves but harshly critical of others
• They set “small goals” that keep them safely stagnant
• They celebrate tiny victories while avoiding bigger challenges

The deeper issue: Betrayal creates a fear of trusting themselves. They’re not being patient—they’re afraid to move forward because they don’t trust their discernment.

7. Hypervigilance Around Others’ Motivations

During transitions, these clients can become obsessively focused on reading others’ intentions rather than focusing on their own growth.

Common patterns:

• Overanalyzing every interaction with new colleagues, neighbors, or connections
• Assuming the worst about others’ motives
• Difficulty forming new relationships during transitions
• Statements like “I just can’t tell who’s genuine anymore”

Why your standard coaching doesn’t address this: This isn’t just “trust issues”—it’s a rewired nervous system that scans constantly for threats. Until the betrayal is healed, they can’t access the openness required for meaningful connection or change.

What This Means for Your Coaching Practice

If you recognize these patterns in your clients, understand that your excellent coaching tools aren’t failing—they’re simply not designed to address unhealed betrayal.

Betrayal creates physiological, psychological, and relational changes that must be addressed directly. When coaches try to push forward with mindset shifts, goal-setting, and accountability strategies while betrayal remains unhealed, clients remain stuck—and both of you feel frustrated.

The Question Every Coach Should Ask

When a client struggles excessively with change despite your best coaching interventions, consider: Could unhealed betrayal be the missing piece?

Understanding Post Betrayal Syndrome® (PBS®) and how to identify it in your clients isn’t just about expanding your skill set—it’s about knowing when to address the root cause rather than continuing to work on symptoms.

Your clients are coming to you for transformation. But when betrayal remains unhealed, transformation remains out of reach—no matter how many gratitude journals they keep or how many vision boards they create.

For coaches: If these patterns resonate with challenges you’re seeing in your practice, it may be time to deepen your understanding of how unhealed betrayal impacts your clients’ ability to implement the tools and strategies you’re providing. When you can identify and address betrayal at its root, your coaching becomes exponentially more effective.

Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute and National Forgiveness Day, is an award winning speaker, top rated podcast host, and a 2-time #1 International bestselling author. Her PhD study on how we experience betrayal made 3 groundbreaking discoveries that changes everything we’ve known about how to fully heal (physical, mentally and emotionally) from this specific type of trauma. Creator of the #1 betrayal recovery certification programfor life, business, health and leadership coaches, Dr. Debi certifies practitioners globally using her evidence-based framework.