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A message for the betrayer.

Your actions, whether it was because of some trauma that you had, or for another reason, doesn’t excuse the behavior. Maybe there was scarcity, there was lack, and you thought the best thing you could do to numb, avoid and distract from it was to betray.

Maybe you just had a sense of entitlement. And you thought, Well, why not? I deserve to. The truth is it doesn’t even matter.

In helping thousands of people heal from betrayal, it’s important to know what those actions caused.

They caused a broken heart in the person that loved you, that trusted you, that believed in you. You may be filled with so much shame and you don’t even know how to move through this. You don’t know what to do… so you do nothing.

Your shame is actually causing a tremendous amount of harm. For you. Shame is one of the most physically destruction destructive emotions we have. And also it’s doing nothing to the person you hurt.

How do you heal shame? You bring light to it, you bring honor to it. So, here’s what I recommend. Take your shame and do something with it. Start with empathy, apology remorse, regret, restitution. Do you all you can to pay it forward. If that person is not alive, or is unwilling to hear what you have to say, just pay it forward to anyone in the hopes that you can prevent someone from hurting someone else. Be a better person. Work on self-forgiveness because your shame is doing nothing for anyone including you.

What’s important to know is this…

That person you betrayed, their heart is broken. Their heart is shattered in a million pieces. They’re doing all they can to either avoid and distract from that pain, or they’re trying to heal it.

And you have a very, very important role and opportunity right here. And that role is do something good with something painful. Heal yourself, and help to heal that person whose heart you broke.

You’re so much better than the pain you caused, the behavior you displayed, and than running away from it.

Run towards this. Run towards a better version of you. Towards healing and to all that lead to it. Become a version of you that never would have had an opportunity to exist before this. That’s when you’re doing something really good with something really painful.

Dr. Debi
Founder and CEO, The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute