A Tip to the Betrayer Working on Rebuilding
A Message for the Betrayer
This message is for the betrayer who is working on reconciliation. I’m not talking about the betrayer who just doesn’t even own it, take responsibility, has no empathy or remorse. I’m talking to the ones who realize, “What did I do?!” The ones where this was the biggest wakeup call of your life and you’re working on reconciliation and you’re blessed with the opportunity to rebuild something new with the person you hurt.
Here’s what you need to know.
Be very sensitive. When you’re sharing your wake up call with the person you hurt, it may feel natural to say things like, “I can’t even believe this. I learned so much. I see things so clearly now.”
It’s true and you really do and that’s wonderful.
However, you learned these lessons by breaking the heart of the person who loved you, trusted you and never saw this coming. The person who felt safe, secure and who believed in you.
So what you need to do is be really, really sensitive.
Yes, they need to see how different you are. But you need to be really sensitive because they’re struggling. They’re trying to make sense and meaning out of this experience and to heal from it.
How We Can Help
We have our Rebuild program which is specifically for the person who’s betrayed and who is ready to change. I work with our Rebuild members (along with our incredible certified PBT Coaches and Practitioners) and yes, they truly change and it’s beautiful to witness. I see it in the questions they ask me, in the responses they share, and in the changes that become so evident from one time I see them until the next.
(For those reading this and thinking: “once a cheater, always a cheater”, “people don’t change”, etc. I used to believe that too until enough evidence along with PhD level study to realize that people can change if THEY really want to.)
There’s no shaming or blaming-that doesn’t help. Instead, there’s a full and complete ownership of what they’ve done and the chaos it’s created. In owning it, they take their power back and that’s the beginning of their healing journey.
Yes, there’s lots of healing to do (why they made those choices, how to heal whatever let to those decisions, along with helping your partner if you have the opportunity), but they’re doing the deep work in order to do just that. I’m also giving them the playbook of exactly what and what not to say and do that makes all the difference when they’re working on rebuilding with their partners.
What We See
It’s so incredible to see a couple enter into our Reclaim program (for the betrayed) and our Rebuild program (for the betrayer). They individually do powerful work and when they do, they both gain the tools, support and strategies to (when they’re ready) be so much better together. This isn’t about “patching things up” where neither of you use the opportunity to create something entirely new. It’s real, consistent and lasting change that creates a 2.0 relationship. It’s change where EACH of you becomes healed, healthy, confident, empowered and compassionate based on who you’re both becoming as a result of the experience.
For example, we had a husband in our Rebuild program and his wife in our Reclaim program. On my call with Rebuild members he was asking; “What can I say and do when my wife is triggered?” (A common question.) I gave him the EXACT words to use that would help her during those painful moments.
The Outcome of Doing the Work
On the call with our Reclaim members the following week, his wife was on the call and says: “Dr. Debi, he’s changing. It’s like he just gets it and when I need him to show up for me, he’s saying all the right things. He’s like the guy I met in college, only better.”
I giggled to myself and silently high-fived him for implementing the tools we talked about.
Let’s Wrap it Up
So, while it’s great that you realize the damage caused by a betrayal, your partner is struggling with some gigantic questions along with heartbreaking pain, a lack of safety, trust and security that they need to move through. They’re also struggling with symptoms of Post Betrayal Syndrome™ that’s impacting their healing as well.
Yes, they want to know how different you are, but be sensitive to their needs. It’s an important time to strengthen your empathy while also becoming someone you’re proud of. When you do, not only are you changing, you’re also impacting all those within your care and reach.
Dr. Debi-A Trusted Resource in an Untrusting Niche
Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute and National Forgiveness Day is a WBENC-Certified WBE (Women’s Business Enterprise), an award-winning speaker, bestselling author, holistic psychologist, a health, mindset and personal development expert who helps (along with her incredibly gifted Certified PBT-Post Betrayal Transformation Coaches and Practitioners) a predictable, proven multi-pronged approach to help people heal (physically, mentally and emotionally) from the trauma of betrayal.