When dealing with betrayal, many people spend so much time researching their situation to try and move forward with their lives. While it is important to be proactive in taking steps towards healing, all the studying becomes counterproductive when people get stuck reading instead of doing. 

My name is Dr. Debi Silber, and welcome to another exciting episode of A Dose of Dr. Debi. 

Today, I will be discussing how trying to understand your painful experiences can sometimes do more harm than good. I will also share some valuable tips on what you can do when this happens, so you can keep progressing on your healing journey.

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In This Episode

  • Identify if you’ve gotten stuck in learning mode
  • Learn about the common reasons why this happens
  • Find out how to move forward on your healing journey


Hi, there! It’s Dr. Debi here and welcome to another Dose of Dr. Debi. This is something I caught a few members within The PBT Institute doing and I want to bring it up because I have a feeling, it may be something that you were doing too.

There comes a time in the beginning, when you’re healing from your experience, your painful experience where you’re doing all the researching and you’re learning and you’re understanding. You and you may realize; “Wow, I didn’t realize that person was a narcissist” “I didn’t realize there was even such a thing as gaslighting.” “I didn’t know that I have PTSD symptoms,” whatever it is. So you do your research and you’re doing all your studying and all your learning.

And then there comes a time where all of that doing it’s very action oriented and we start feeling really good because we’re taking action. But, the action we’re taking is actually preventing us from taking the measures towards doing something very different that would bring us a very different result. We figure, “Well I’m really busy doing this and it’s really good. I’m learning.” But, once we’ve learned, we have to take what we’ve learned and implement it.

I saw it so many times just yesterday where so many of our members (and I meet with some of them one on one, we also have our open Q&A, we call them coffee chats), and it just kept coming up so I’m sensing a theme here and maybe it’s something you’re doing as well. And I really just kept seeing it where, yes, they were taking action and action is really important, it’s something we need to do, it’s moving us forward. But be careful when you spend so much time in the action of understanding. And when it’s sort of like a little bit of a subconscious way to prevent you from taking the action needed to create that change. Think about it, it’s one thing to learn everything, like let’s say you learn; “Holy moly I was gas lit, and this person is a covert narcissist, and I do have trauma that is from childhood” whatever it is and you realize. You’ve learned all of this. It’s totally within your realm of understanding right now.

Then think about it. Now that you know, there’s no unknowing. You know this now. It’s like you can’t un-ring a bell. But now if you implement it, think about it. Now you take action. Let’s say you let that person know, or you take drastic action, or you do something very different. It’s going to cause a bit of a shakeup. So what we tend to do is we stay in that “learning mode,” and just keep learning and learning. It’s like; “Wow I really didn’t understand this about myself. I really didn’t know this about myself. I didn’t know I reacted this way. I didn’t know that’s what that person was really doing,” etc. It’s all well and good until it prevents you from doing something about it.

When we move through The Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough (it’s what we teach within The PBT Institute), it’s what I talk about in Trust Again (I walk you through The Five Stages). When we’re in Stage Three, (Survival Instincts Emerge), which is the most practical of all of the Stages, we are figuring out how to survive our experience. Because it feels so much better than the shock and trauma of where we just came from, we think it’s good. And because we don’t know, there’s a Stage Four and Stage Five (where transformation begins), we think this is it so we better figure out a way to be okay with it.

So here’s where we’re taking all this action to figure out a way to survive our experience; “Where do I go?” “Who can I trust?” “How do I how do I deal with this,” “How do I feed my kids?” It’s very practical. We start taking actions and understand, this is still really good. But it’s still going to keep us stuck in that Stage Three. When we’re ready to move from that place of survival to finding and adjusting to a new normal (which is Stage Four), it’s still very action oriented, but the action is moving us forward. It’s actions toward our own self-care, increasing our confidence, improving our health, all of these forward moving actions.

So I just wanted to make sure you knew that it’s wonderful. It’s wonderful that you’re taking the time to understand your situation, it’s a very important aspect of healing. A lot of people don’t even do that, so that’s huge. And, and I commend you for it. But what I caution you about is spending too much time in the researching and the understanding where it’s preventing you from taking action towards change.

I get it, that change is going to cause a shake up to you to those around you. So, we figure; “Okay, let me just learn a little bit more, let me just study a little bit more, let me just understand a little bit more.” And we do that sometimes, to actually prevent us because of that fear. We’re doing it to prevent us from making those big bold moves. So if that’s what you’re doing, I just want you to understand it because you want to take that understanding, and then you want to apply it. Of course, it’s going to be scary, but here’s what here’s how I would rather you look at it.

It’s not that it’s scary, it’s unfamiliar. Like anything else that you didn’t do and then you did. Every single thing you’re doing now, was unfamiliar at one point. Until you did it, and then it became familiar. So why don’t you look at this as possibly something unfamiliar, instead of just looking at it as scary. So take that understanding, take all that knowledge, that learning, and apply it. Now, of course, this is hard. This is not easy stuff. This is probably the hardest work you’ll ever do. That’s what The PBT Institute is for, so we can help you with that, then reach out.

I’ll put links in the show notes, but it’s The PBT Institute: https://thepbtinstitute.com/join/ join us there. You’ll learn all about it. I made it a no brainer to join it’s only $97 each month. $3 a day and that’s for live daily classes with our certified coaches, (they’re all certified in moving you through The Five Stages. Not only that, they’re coming in with 10, 20, 30 plus years in cognitive behavioral therapy, in trauma, in reconciliation, in narcissism, in addiction, in self-love, etc. We have coaches who specialize in everything, and you can see them privately if you want to, you can do that. We have our signature programs which walk you through The Five Stages. There’s just so much going on in there. Also, we have the right type of support because the wrong type of support does more harm than good.

Don’t stay stuck, we have the proof around what it takes to heal. We know what it takes to heal. Staying stuck is a choice. It really is. So, you’ve been through the hardest part already you deserve to heal. So join us there if that serves you. https://thepbtinstitute.com/join/ .If Trust Again: Overcoming Betrayal and Regaining Health, Confidence and Happiness is a fit for you, you can just get a free chapter and see if you like it. I hope you do, and you can find that here: https://thepbtinstitute.com/freegift/ . So you’ll get a chapter and just see if you like it and I hope you do. We have The Five Stages from Betrayal to Breakthrough in there, I have the four step trust rebuilding process too. It’s everything we teach within The PBT Institute, but if you’d rather just do that first, that’s good too. Either way, don’t stay stuck. So, get your understanding that you need to get, so that you can apply it and become the whole heal, confident, healed confident, healthy version of you, that you’re meant to be.

Thank you so much and I’ll see you next time. Bye bye.


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